I’ve been gone for a while from wordpress. My goal with this blog was to document my life experiences as I try to find myself and become a more positive, happier person. I have noticed that I have been very negative lately though and I don’t want to put that out there. I have been down in the dumps and writing something with a positive twist has become virtually impossible for me to do. So I have been staying away, adding another thing to feel guilty about because writing is something I love to do and something I have been neglecting lately.
I feel bad for my poor sisters. Trying to cheer me up to no avail, trying to pull me out of my reclusive episodes with no success. They’ve seen me have a couple of panic attacks lately and I hate it. I am their older sister, I should be the one that helps them though things, not the other way around.
I still have not let the truth seep through. Depression is a state of mind that has nothing to do with my outside circumstances. I’ve spent so many sleepless hours trying to figure out why I am so ungrateful because I have let myself get depressed even though everything is okay; and the things that are not so well, are entirely in my control to fix. But I am missing the point. I need to cut myself some slack if I want to get better.
I need to admit that I am hurting, like the rest of the world is, but not feel sorry for myself. I’ve done a lot of that too lately and it is the most dangerous of poisons that will keep you in the hole unable to find your way out. Just accept I’m feeling lousy and need the extra love and encouragement of the people that surround me. Let go of trying to be the one that’s always got it together. Even if it freaks some people out at first because I am not “being myself.” They will soon catch up on that fact that the “self” I was being was never really me. I really like that idea that people have of me though. The calm, serious, responsible girl that has it together. The most likely to succeed in whatever endeavor she decides to take a go at. Ha! Im done trying to keep appearances. Im getting off that hamster wheel, little by little, and letting the damaged, scared and lost side of me come through more and more, until I no longer feel need to hide behind this façade. Finally allowing myself to be the multifaceted person I truly am.