Drop the Façade

I’ve been gone for a while from wordpress. My goal with this blog was to document my life experiences as I try to find myself and become a more positive, happier person. I have noticed that I have been very negative lately though and I don’t want to put that out there. I have been down in the dumps and writing something with a positive twist has become virtually impossible for me to do. So I have been staying away, adding another thing to feel guilty about because writing is something I love to do and something I have been neglecting lately.

I feel bad for my poor sisters. Trying to cheer me up to no avail, trying to pull me out of my reclusive episodes with no success. They’ve seen me have a couple of panic attacks lately and I hate it. I am their older sister, I should be the one that helps them though things, not the other way around.

I still have not let the truth seep through. Depression is a state of mind that has nothing to do with my outside circumstances. I’ve spent so many sleepless hours trying to figure out why I am so ungrateful because I have let myself get depressed even though everything is okay; and the things that are not so well, are entirely in my control to fix. But I am missing the point. I need to cut myself some slack if I want to get better.

I need to admit that I am hurting, like the rest of the world is, but not feel sorry for myself. I’ve done a lot of that too lately and it is the most dangerous of poisons that will keep you in the hole unable to find your way out. Just accept I’m feeling lousy and need the extra love and encouragement of the people that surround me. Let go of trying to be the one that’s always got it together. Even if it freaks some people out at first because I am not “being myself.” They will soon catch up on that fact that the “self” I was being was never really me. I really like that idea that people have of me though. The calm, serious, responsible girl that has it together. The most likely to succeed in whatever endeavor she decides to take a go at. Ha! Im done trying to keep appearances. Im getting off that hamster wheel, little by little, and letting the damaged, scared and lost side of me come through more and more, until I no longer feel need to hide behind this façade. Finally allowing myself to be the multifaceted person I truly am.


15 thoughts on “Drop the Façade

  1. My only advice to you is to be true to yourself and stop thinking about how others see you and whether you are living up to their expectations, You say it is difficult to write when you feel negative but there is always something positive to write about no matter how small, you can always find positivity in the beauty of nature. Love to you from Jenna Dee

    1. You are totally right. I have been putting way too much focus on what others think instead of just worrying about myself. It’s definitely a struggle to look at the positive side of things when depressed, but you are right about there always being something positive to focus on. Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.

  2. Liv, I would never presume to give advice having been where you describe for many years. Like you, I never had any catastrophic reason for depression. For me, dropping the facade was never an option. I had too many people relying on me. My depression had resulted in significant weight gain (comfort eating), high blood pressure, severe exhaustion and a borderline diabetic blood glucose. I worked with my psychologist doing rapid eye movement desensitisation therapy which makes me calm, albeit for an indefinite period. After one session I bit the bullet and started walking. I could only manage 500 metres to start with. I then started dieting and exercising and have lost 20 kgs. Since May, I have been mostly well (I have my moments). Perhaps you would like to read my post entitled ‘Baby Steps’ for more detail. I also try to counter negative thoughts with 3 thoughts that are positive about my own situation.

    I wish you the very, very best. Christmas is always the hardest of times. Everyone puts on a happy face but few actually feel the joy!

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I’m glad to hear you’ve been doing better and have been able to lose weight. I have also gained weight which has served to depress me even more. I am starting to take the steps necessary to do better though. I will definitely read your post. Thank you so much for your great advice and words of encouragement. I sincerely appreciate it!

  3. Sometimes we just need a change…

    I had a house and a car and two jobs and a gig. All I had was money and bills. Everyone would say, “you should be happy: you are successful, you have a house and a car and two jobs. Many don’t have a house. Many don’t have a job.”

    But “many” had nothing to do with my yearning to end it all.

    Perhaps it’s time to change something.

    I quit my jobs, rented out my house, left my car at my parents house and moved across the world. LOL!

    I know that sounds extreme but… I felt like there was nothing left in my life to live for.

    1. Wow! Thanks for sharing this with me. It’s truly brave and inspiring what you did. I’m trying to figure our exactly what I want to do with my life which will make me happy and to go after it. I’m sure it won’t be easy to change things up but Im coming to the realization that living the life that seems good to everyone else, is not worth living if its not what my heart is calling for. Thank you for your words!

  4. thank you so much for your blog. simply reading that i’m not the only one feeling this way is comforting in and of itself. writing can be so therapeutic, and i’m happy i have yours to read.

  5. I was actually about to blog about something VERY similar to your post and am sooo glad I read your blog post beforehand. I know depression is difficult to deal with and even more so when mixed with anxiety. We have a habit of over-analyzing things because we are unable to just breathe and relax! Here’s a quick tip: dance! no joke.. it sounds dumb, but I found that its the best way to let the axiousness float away! Try it! haha

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