I am still going back and forth between feeling good, okay, alright, and downright depressed. I guess I am beginning to really accept that this is part of the journey and most importantly I am beginning to realize that in life things don’t always have a clean conclusion like you see in movies and books. All the messiness from the juicy plot that kept you hooked usually ends up getting nicely resolved by the ending. The loose ends are either forgotten or taken care of.
I have been holding on to the idea that it is possible to have this sort of ideal circumstance take place in real life and that is just not the case. I have been stubbornly holding on the idea that I should be able to finish my never ending to-do list and that if I don’t it’s because I am not working hard or smart enough to get it done. I expected to be able to get over my depression cleanly after my first stint with it never to have to deal with it again and move on, but obviously that is not realistic. The list goes on and on. The point is, I have not been realistic.
As hard as it is for me to accept being the perfectionist that I am, life is messy. I am a mess. I don’t have it all figured out like I was sure I would when I was thirteen and people in their twenties seemed to have it all together. I don’t have it all together and I have to accept that it’s perfectly normal and fine. I am right there with the rest of my fellow twenty-somethings who are trying to figure it out. In fact, I don’t really think there is a cut of age to having things figured out. I am beginning to realize that life will probably be all about guessing and hoping you made the best decision. I am official burring my childhood dream of having it all figured out. All we can do is trust that we will do the best we can as we go.