Depression is still a mystery to me. I feel good one day and crappy the next. Even worse yet is feeling good one moment and than shutting down the next for no apparent reason. I have not been writing too much lately. I have been super busy with school. With only 2 weeks left of school final papers are due for all classes and I am trying to catch up on readings.
I’ve been very busy but on top of it I have been feeling down. I can deal with busy. I can make time for the things I love when I am busy if I chose. When I start feeling depressed though, it’s a whole other story. I literally shutdown and its so frustrating to feel myself start to do so and not be able to stop myself. I start to withdraw from my family and friends. I find it hard to keep a simple conversation going. This only causes me to feel underserving of their time and guilty for not wanting to be around the people I love and that love me. It could just be that my body is calling me to seek solitude and work stuff out. Who knows? It could be intuitive like that.
I have learned through reading and personal experience that trying to resist something you are going through will not help it pass any faster. On the contrary, it often prolongs the feeling. I am feeling depressed and I am not sure why. I was feeling better, but lately I’ve been feeling down again. There must be a reason for this. There must be a lesson to be learned from this.
All I can think to do right now is to try and take it easy. I have been pretty consumed with work and school lately, which I am sure is not helping. If I end up watching Netflix the rest of the night so be it. I need a break. I wont keep trying to force myself to do anything. It’s not helping. I would like to be able to be there for the people that care about me but it’s really difficult for me to do that when I’m depressed. I become self-absorbed, selfish and pessimistic. I guess that to even start to think about helping others I have to first help myself out of this.
I am no stranger to these cycles of up and down as I am sure many of you who deal with depression aren’t either. It’s hard to keep up sometimes with how you’re feeling. I am not feeling totally pessimistic today though. I always try to remind myself that there is reason for everything. In everything there is a lesson to be learned. The struggles we go through in life are meant to make us stronger and better people, not break us. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and keep going. Things will get better.