Weekly Reflections

I had an absolutely wonderful day today. It has been a long times since I have felt a deep sense of contentment without a reason to be able to attribute to it. I feel as though this is the way things should be. I should not have to be looking so much or trying so hard to feel happy. I think that my mindset has been slowly making a positive shift because of all the attention I have been paying to being positive. All of the work I have put in to help my anxiety and depression is starting to pay off. I can truly feel myself feeling better now and it feels amazing.

It has not been an easy road though. I have been doing many things to try and rid myself of the anxiety and depression that have plagued me on and off for my whole life. It got particularly worse about a year ago and I have been working hard to help myself out of the terrible state I was in ever since.

At first, I could not tell I was beginning to feel bad again. It was a sort of subtle listlessness that I began to feel on a daily basis that I attributed to being tired from work and school. Slowly, however, that littleness began to grow in intensity, until I began to feel myself shutdown like I do when I start getting really bad. It began to become harder and harder for me to feel happiness and everything that used to be pleasurable began to feel like a chore.

I began to daydream about running away to some remote cabin in China were I could gather my thoughts and sleep off my bad mood because the world was not slowing down one bit for me. I still had to work, keep up with the demands of school and be sociable. This was a huge struggle for me considering the fact that it took a huge amount of effort just to get out of bed. But I kept up with everything as well as I could and I acted as “normal” as possible so I would not draw attention to myself.

After a while of this though, I decided I needed to get help because I was not getting any better on my own. All of my efforts to help myself were getting dragged down by the depression and I was growing more and more frustrated with myself because of that. My future was looking bleak and I could no longer feel any optimism about getting better because my current state began to feel like the new norm.  I was not going to get myself out of this funk anytime soon so I went to the doctor and I promised myself I would do whatever they wanted me to this time.

To make a long story short, I started taking a low dose of medication to help my anxiety and depression and supplementing that with bimonthly counseling sessions. I could not stand the thought of being on medication because I always felt like there was no reason why I could not dig myself out of the whole I had fallen in, but I decided not to be stubborn this time. I took the medication and went to the counseling sessions.

I was beginning to open up with my friends and family about how I was feeling, like the counselor had advised me to do. Although I felt really awkward and emotionally naked by doing so, I liked the support I was getting. I also bought a cognitive behavioral workbook after hearing it helped other people with anxiety and started working daily on it. I read a bunch of self-help books and drank teas and natural supplements that were supposed to make me feel better too. After a couple of months went by without me feeling much better I went to a hypnotherapist. At that point I was pretty much willing to try anything.  To my surprise though, I ended up learning so much from my hypnotherapist. We had some really great conversations about life and happiness and she was able to understand me better than most people and offer me some really helpful, heartfelt advice.

Looking back now, I see that everything I was doing was definitely not in vain. I learned something from everyone I spoke with and everything I did, it just took a while longer for me to feel the positive effects. I was feeling very lost and defeated after a while but thankfully I still continued to try. Now, I can truly say I am feeling much better. I had forgotten how it felt to be free of the grip of depression and anxiety. It feels absolutely amazing. I know I still have a way to go and many things to learn but I am happy with the progress I have made so far. I am very happy with everything I have been exposed to and how much I have grown as a result of my depression. I am looking forward to continuing my journey to finding peace and happiness within myself. I feel deep in my heart that I will find what I am looking for sooner or later. I am sure of it. 

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