I have always been very serious and shut off with guys because I am terrified of experiencing rejection. I have shielded myself so much from showing vulnerability that for years I have shutdown emotionally to the opposite sex. My thought process has been that since my self-esteem is already not in the best shape, rejection would only confirm all the reasons that made me feel I was not good enough.
Well, I realized that if I continue to shield myself from rejection all the time I will never be able to find my significant other. I will not be able to fall in love, which is something that I still hope with all my heart that I will be able to experience in my life. I can see why people say that in order to really fall in love, you must be able to be vulnerable with your partner. How else can people express how they truly feel about their loved one if they are not willing to be vulnerable with them?
Lately, I have decided that I don’t want to continue sitting on the sidelines. I don’t want to continue letting fear stop me from opening up to others. So I decided to express interest in this guy I have been interested in for sometime now. After doing so I realized he was clearly not interested. I have to admit; I was crushed. I felt the sting of rejection and it was not a good feeling. In fact, it really sucked!
Here is the interesting thing though. Even though I was rejected, the fact that I opened up and took a risk made me feel stronger after a while. I won’t lie; right after I got rejected my mind began racing, finding all the reasons he could have had to reject me. However after a while of that I got tired and decided that his reason for rejecting me was none of my business. For all I know, he might be going through something or maybe I just simply wasn’t his type. I did not need to dig deeper into the matter. The point is he was not interested in me and that was it.
Now that I have had sometime to reflect on this I feel like such a strong person. With all the fear I had of being rejected, I still went out there and put myself out there anyways. I could have given into the fear of rejection and kept admiring this person at a distance, hoping he would notice me one day, but instead chose to take matters into my own hands. I could have given in to all the negative thoughts about why I was rejected but chose not to.
This situation has not caused my self-esteem to deteriorate. On the contrary, this experience has served to prove to me that I am much stronger and braver than I gave myself credit for and as a result have found something I can be proud of in myself.
I have decided that from now on, I will continue on this path of bravery and empowerment. I will be more open about how I feel with others. Even though I was taught growing up that guys are the ones that need to make the first move, I have decided that I won’t live by this anymore. I won’t sit and wait, and most importantly I wont shut off from others for fear of what might happen. We are after all in the 21st century and I am worth too much to sit and wait to see who comes my way.